The Big Issue

I have never been small.  When I was born, the scales tipped at a heavy 8lbs. 13oz.  Big newborn babies are greeted with joy, and growth is celebrated.  Before long, the message changes.  The culture of the world inundates us with images of what makes one beautiful and it convinces us that it is this beauty, not love, that covers a multitude of sins.

I can remember feeling insecure about being fat as early as elementary school.  For me, beauty was all about weight and I would go back and forth with feeling negative about myself and then combating the feelings by "proving" that I could be valued for things other than beauty - strength, for example, or intelligence.  I could do many things and as I grew older, I would pursue all of them to prove I was talented and yet I still always felt like a mediocre version of the friends around me who excelled at those things and were beautiful on top of that.  In all those Nancy Drew books I loved to read, I was just the pudgy friend Bess. 

It bothered me, because I knew who I was on the inside.  I had in fact, been a Christian longer than I had the insecurity, and I knew I had purpose, vision and gifts.  But those things only made me seem even more like an oddball and I longed for social acceptance.  My insecurity about my body helped serve as a strong foundation on which to pile wounds of rejection.  I would come to blame it for my singleness and awkwardness in groups among other things, especially when even other Christians would encourage mere aesthetic remedies to those "problems."

Looking back now at pictures of my youth, I can see without the filter of insecurity; I actually was normal sized.  I certainly wasn't small and thin, but that had more to do with this broad German frame than any extra padding.  Having been born five weeks early and deathly ill, I sometimes wonder if my large birth weight was part of God's saving grace in the fight for survival.  But the very thing that may have been a blessing, I abused and called a curse.  I struggled with unhealthy habits and became probably the first girl who, through skipping meals, actually gained weight.  I damaged my metabolism and have spent the last fifteen years working to restore it.

Yet here, now, at what the ladies from my mum's church would call my "fluffiest," I feel more beautiful than I ever did.  I may not be a good weight, but I am working on that, and my blood tests reveal that all my counts are actually better than normal.  That's not why I feel this way.  I feel beautiful because I know who I am in Him.   That girl hidden inside of me; she wasn't made to fit in with the world.  She was made to be set apart, as each of us are, for a purpose that glorifies Him.  

Of course I still get those panicky moments when I go to my closet before a special occasion, or that little cringe of disappointment when I see a photograph that shows my reality a little too well.  Yes, I still struggle with deep wounds related to all this.  I am human after all, tied to earth with this bag of bones, big bag that it is.  But God is a healer and through all this, He continuously speaks to me about my identity in Him.  He says I am beautiful.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am the apple of His eye.  I am a woman of value.  I am His daughter.   
He delights in me...  and none of it is because of my body size.  


This post was inspired today after reading a post at Beta Christian that was talking about the importance beauty plays in our society.  I was instantly flooded with loads of memories, but in them, I felt a breath of God's encouragement as they came.  To narrow down my feelings and find focus was difficult and I feel like there might be a few more posts lingering in me with which I can dive deeper into this topic.  Since I already gave the rawest of raw in my February post about relationships, I should have no fear in bringing this to the surface.  In the meantime, I pray you might be encouraged to take a look at who God says you are, as there is so much freedom there.

The Rest of the Story

I started this story at the turn of the New Year when I began a four month detox/dietary program that would help bring healing to a major health concern.  I wrote about it here when I knew I was beginning a new story in TRUST.  In the process it has also became a story of REST.

I had been warned that the first month of this journey toward healing would be the most difficult, with symptoms getting worse before getting better.  In fact, this was the reason I planned to start at the New Year, after the busy holiday season.  I am blessed to be a part of a leadership team that not only allowed me to take time from many regular activities, but actually encouraged it.  REST, it seemed, was an absolute necessity.   At times I felt like I was somehow slacking.  I wanted to work through it, but my body had other plans.  No matter how much I thought I could will myself to be involved, my body refused and I was forced to give in to REST.

By February, I was already starting to feel alive again.  I was able to participate in more than I had in months and I knew God was working His healing in my body.  Since I was still not 100%, I had to pick and choose only the activities I felt God was calling me to do.  The process had given me permission to REST without guilt and simply follow God with the strength gained.

Often times, we can be so determined to serve that we sacrifice rest, running ourselves ragged in areas that we beg God to bless.  God however has a plan that He has already blessed, and being in Him is where He would rather have us. Lately in our prayer times at DCF, God has been speaking to us about the River of Life and  finding REST in His current.  When we follow in His flow, it won't matter what rocks may lie ahead.  We don't need to flail and we aren't being tossed around, rather we are being carried, moving in REST as it were.    

REST is a place where we have let go of that control 

and are letting God take us through His way.  

Bonnie over at Faith Barista said it well when she said,

"Rest comes when we are free to get lost in the doing 

because we trust that God is producing fruit in our being."

I have just begun the third month of my four month health program.  I am doing very well and am amazed at how far God has carried me in what seems to be a short amount of time.  In this time of REST, I have been forced to listen to my body without the distraction of my will, meaning I can more quickly tell when and how to REST.  I think it is like that God too.   The more time we spend in His REST, the more easily we can hear Him.  We are not so busy doing our own things, as noble as they may be, that they would distract or filter out the sound of His gentle whisper. He calls us to REST for a reason.  Let us not neglect it.  But let us find it in Him, the only place where true rest can be found (Psalm 62). 

One Word for the New Year

 
The week between St. Stephens Day and New Year's found me on the couch, incapacitated by the flu.  Because of some health issues I have been facing in recent months, the New Year was marking the beginning of a strict three month detox program to allow my systems to heal and recover.  In addition to being sick, I was a bit disappointed that my last week of dietary freedom was spent sucking down little more than chicken soup and lemon-ginger tea.

In the months before, I had been feeling very confident about what I sensed God doing in the New Year.  I have been excited about the health He is restoring, the ministry He is expanding and the revival I sense He is bringing to this country.  In that last week however, it seemed that for every cough, ache and sneeze there was a doubt or fear to accompany it.  I had nightmares about visas, ministry obstacles and unanswered promises in my personal life.  And I couldn't even eat chocolate.

The Exodus is full of stories of God's divine providence...  Cloud by day, fire by night, mysterious manna kind of stuff.  As one who has lived on the support of others for so long, I also have these stories directly from the miraculous hand of God: money that appeared from no where, help that came just in time, triumphant endings to seemingly impossible situations.  Yet how many chapters begin with the Lord having to remind those same Israelites who walked under protection, who ate food from heaven, that He was indeed still God?

In this new chapter of my life, the the Lord is reminding me to TRUST.

On Saturday night, I was feeling so ill.  I was trying to sleep, but couldn't with all the fears swirling around my head.  I was feeling hopeless and weak, yet my mouth spoke a phrase my brain had not ordered.  I said out loud, "But I trust You God."  It was said with confidence and resolution, and I knew instantly it was true.  As I heard my own voice, I was easily settled with a peace that defied my own understanding.  It was in this peace that I was able to finally sleep.

God took the Israelites all the way to Canaan, a land flowing with milk and honey (and perhaps even chocolate, wink wink).  Of one thing we can be sure, He is so very faithful.  This year as you look ahead wondering what will come, remember this...

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
 

in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:4-5 

He will not fail you and He will bring you peace.  He will lead you on the path He has put before you and He will provide.  He is faithful and merciful, and most of all, He loves you.  Trust Him.

This post is linked with Bonnie and others at

A New Challenge for the New Year

For the last several months I have had a health problem that has dramatically affected my life and work.  The blood test ruled out many suspected diagnoses, which left me feeling confused and helpless.  However another doctor found some case studies here in Ireland that gave some insight and direction for how to proceed next.

The treatment begins with a dietary detox and continues on restrictions for three months to allow the system to heal.  It will not be easy, but I know the Lord is in this, so I have peace.   Because of the demands of the holiday season,  I had decided not to start the program until January 1, 2011.

When I saw this challenge of reading the Bible in its entirety, and that it lasted the same duration of my treatment program, I decided I would give it a try.  While some might think that adding such a challenge to an already intense season might make life more difficult, I'm inclined to believe that the more of God's Word I read, the more manageable life will be.  It is sustaining.

Maybe you'd like to take the 90-day challenge too.  

Just click on the image to read more.