It should be addressed...

While Valentine's Day may seem to be a little ways off yet, having two weeks still before it surfaces in all its red ruffled glory, the topic seems to be floating on candy heart clouds already.  I've seen the stuff in shops, heard it mentioned in churches and even read about it online.  This is one of those polarizing holidays that seems to have a profound effect on the majority of folk in Western cultures, whether it be swooning or snarling.  It seems it cannot be escaped.

I'll be honest, this is not a topic with which I am comfortable.  I don't like the drama, the presumptions and all the [insert flustered sound effect here] that seem to go along with it.  So when Bonnie over at Faith Barista urged us to get ready for Valentine's by asking what we wished someone had told us about dating/marriage, I couldn't think of a single thing.  I could however think of a thousand things I wish folk had never said, especially when spoken under the presumption that it was encouraging...

"Oh honey, you are still so young,  

too young to be thinking about marriage... oh, you're how old?

Oh.  Well.  Don't worry.  

You'll be just like my good friend so-and-so.

She didn't meet her husband until she was sixty-five, 

or was it seventy..."  

Ummm... thanks?

Sharing the frustrations of interchanges like this one often only lead to more of the same, which can be patronizing and, frankly, even more isolating. You see, as a single person, my experience has taught that whenever the topic of relationships comes up, others seem to forget everything else they know about the person.  Instead they fixate on this one facet and in their attempt to help, begin imparting all the how to's stored in their arsenal.  They attack what they wrongly presume to be depression, obsession, unbelief and advise more makeup and new clothes.  In that moment, the single person is treated as though he/she has no other identity.

I am so much more than the sum of my singleness.   

I was so relieved this week when I could vent with a friend who flat out admitted that she had no clue what my situation would be like, but she could still speak truth into my life because she knows me and she knows God.  No advice, no stretched attempts to relate, just God's truth about my attitude.  Because left unchecked, those thousand things I could have lived without hearing can lead to bitterness, which according to the Bible is pretty destructive.  Every mention of it in the OT has it paired with affliction and death.  It is where joy is not (Job) and it squelches righteousness (Amos).  Ephesians 4 makes it pretty clear that bitterness has no part in our Christian lives.

³⁰ "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, 

with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  

³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, 

along with every form of malice.  

³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, 

forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

No matter how secure I am in my identity, even the best-intentioned people will continue to dramatize, presume and [insert flustered sound effect again here] over this issue.  No matter how much I try to explain, there will surely be somebody who just won't see past it.  I cannot afford to grow bitter.  I can't control their focus.  I can only adjust mine by looking to God, who heals the wounds of their words and gives me the grace to forgive.  He knows exactly who I am and where I am.  He sees me for all I am, all He made me to be.

I am a daughter.  I am a sister.  I am a worshiper.  I am a pray-er.  I am a dreamer.  I am an overcomer.  I am an adventurer.  I've climbed Mt. Fuji and I've rafted the Nile.  I'd also been told to be more grateful I am single because I wouldn't have been able to do those if I were married.  I am very grateful for many aspects of my single life, but have seen many examples opposite to what I was told... that adventures of all types are not only possible within marriage, but can be greater.  I recall watching a certain sunset while floating across a sea in South East Asia and becoming suddenly aware of how much more beautiful it would be with someone beside me, sharing a lost breath at the marvel of God's handiwork.  Maybe that's the one thing I would want to be told about relationships, but where man may have failed in telling me the things I need to hear most, God has not.  He knows my heart (Psalm 139).  He has the best plans for me (Jer. 29).  He put in me these very desires and will deliver them according to His will (Psalm 37).   His is the voice I will listen to.  Will you?

Lord I pray that in this season when we acknowledge love, 

that we will keep our eyes on you, because in the light of who You are and all you've done, the offenses and wounds that have lingered in the darker corners of our hearts no longer have a place to hide.  Uproot bitterness and fill us with Your peace.  We are willing and we trust You with this most vulnerable part of our lives.  Amen.